Frustrations and Delerium.

headphones://Love Makes The World Go Round - Ashlee Simpson


Deflated balloon. That's me. A deflated, beige balloon. I'm sinking into this weird kind of depression. Not the usual kind where I'm full of self-pity and sadness, but more of a frustrated depression.

Right now, more than I ever I am so tired of Brisbane, I want out. I want out of my life right now, this chapter I'm stuck in. This chapter which has been running for five years. It was supposed to end early this year with my moving to Sydney but that obviously never happened, after deciding in December that the world beckoned. Begrudginly I resigned myself to a year of saving up, and the first six months or so largely passed by in a blur.

But now here I am with three months remaining. I can see the end in sight but it still seems so far away, and that's what frustrates me. It feels so far away, still. And it's all coming to a head and I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I have no social life. All my close friends have left. All I have is WORK. Making money. I know it's going to be worth it, it's just so difficult..

What do I have to look forward to? September. Mid-September, two weeks from now, God's Kitchen, maybe. I should have my passport, book my airfare. Early October Jimmy arrives. Arrange visa. Then it's off to Sydney. Then when I get back it'll be firing on all cylinders, getting ready to go. Get back Mid-October, sell car. Early November. Buy luggage. Sell computer, buy computer. LEAVE!

I suppose when I look at it like that I shouldn't really be complaining. I have a lot on my plate..

Another dream.

headphones://Nothing - Nobody

The most haunting dream last night. I wrote about it in my book journal, but I can record it better if I type it..

I was in a kitchen of some sort, a house I didn't know. My mother and sister were there. I was feeling an intense anger, more than I have ever felt in my life, more than I have ever dreamt. I could feel it in my body. All of a sudden Dad's voice calls out and I freeze, terror and immense disbelief overcome me. I look at my mother and sister and they've heard him too. I realize that this cannot be a figment of my imagination if they hear him also. My hands rush to cover my ears and the terror grips me, my head feels light.

"No, no, no..." I cry. He cannot be here, this is impossible. This is absolutely, fucking impossible. He calls out still.

What happens exactly, I don't know. My mother and I venture into a hallway to see where the voice is coming from and I realize it comes from my room. Even more fear.

More events unknown. I do remember speaking back to him. I tell him that we love him and that we hope he is okay. He is repeating himself. I detect anger in his presence. Does he reply? Afraid, I am talking to Mum so that I do not hear his response. I'm afraid to here that he is not well...

Even now, awake and conscious, the fear I felt is the same real fear I felt in my dream. Rationally I know I couldn't have come to harm. Ghosts cannot hurt you. He couldn't or wouldn't have hurt me, or whatever it really was. I'm not angry with him, wherever he is. But the uneasiness remains...