Down, down, down we go..

headphones://My Need - Janet Jackson

These last couple of days I've been cruising at an unusually high altitude. Happy, rather happy, daresay happier than I have been in months. And then CRASH! BANG! Down in the pits. Not just kinda unhappy, but rather unhappy. The unmotivated, nothing-to-look-forward to brand of unhappy. For a little while I couldn't quite figure it out. I spent 20 minutes in the shower trying to put my finger on it. Did this just jump up and slap me in the face? Where did it come from? Why?

I realized it's because my hours were cut at work. It sucks. Because everything was going swimmingly, planning, about to book airfares, I have my passports. The countdown has begun in earnest, with about ten weeks to go. But now this little stumbling block has appeared and for me, it's not good. Not for me, he who worries about every little red cent. Not when I have bills coming up, this darn trip to Sydney, a wedding present to buy and credit cards to pay off.

I suppose really, I shouldn't stress too much. If I don't make this particular week's budget, it's nowhere near the end of the world, nor is it a real big spanner in my works. And no doubt I can pick up a few extra hours. Maybe I even have extra hours in other departments. I worry way too much. Particularly about money. Thanks be to Dad, ugly inheritance.

Another little spanner hanging around is Minako. I've been expecting her to let me know of her plans RE Japan but she still hasn't and if she doesn't, well I'll have to go and book without her. Speaking of unreliability and associated bad traits, I've come to realize there are a number of people in my life who don't have any real positive impact on me, I wouldn't go so far as to say they're dragging me down.. But they can't be good to have around. Minako is one of them. The friendship seems to be totally one-sided, with me showing all the interest and initiative. Then there's Robert who probably deep down believes me and him are tight but in reality? No. When I'm around him it's never a positive experience. He's way too full on and irritating, he just drags my mood down. I don't have fun with him. Always, by the end of the day I'm asking why the funk am I hanging out with him? Then there was Michael who I thought was generally a good person but does he have ulterior motives? I hate that. Why do people have to be like that? I feel all he does is use me for transport or just as someone to kick it with if there's nobody else. Sure I have fun, and is that the main thing? Not when he's only there when he wants to be. When it's convenient for him. A convenient friendship.

So I've cut him out of my life, and it wasn't a big deal. Robert? I doubt I'll have anything more to do with him. I can't believe how much he irritates me. Minako? I don't care anymore. I'll let her make the next move, the ball is in her court. I think part of her problem is cultural upbringing. The Japanese are known to not be able to say anything direct, they have to beat around the bush and be subtle and polite. Which, as much as I love the culture, is complete bullshit. Give me honesty and directness any day.

Not a happy camper in these parts. I have next weekend to look forward to, God's Kitchen. Get totally wrecked. I hope it's a great night but I woke up this morning not even excited about it. Perhaps it really has been too long in Brisbane. I've been so eager for so long for this chapter in my life to be over and it's still dragging on like a bitch that just wont give up...

Frustrations and Delerium.

headphones://Love Makes The World Go Round - Ashlee Simpson


Deflated balloon. That's me. A deflated, beige balloon. I'm sinking into this weird kind of depression. Not the usual kind where I'm full of self-pity and sadness, but more of a frustrated depression.

Right now, more than I ever I am so tired of Brisbane, I want out. I want out of my life right now, this chapter I'm stuck in. This chapter which has been running for five years. It was supposed to end early this year with my moving to Sydney but that obviously never happened, after deciding in December that the world beckoned. Begrudginly I resigned myself to a year of saving up, and the first six months or so largely passed by in a blur.

But now here I am with three months remaining. I can see the end in sight but it still seems so far away, and that's what frustrates me. It feels so far away, still. And it's all coming to a head and I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I have no social life. All my close friends have left. All I have is WORK. Making money. I know it's going to be worth it, it's just so difficult..

What do I have to look forward to? September. Mid-September, two weeks from now, God's Kitchen, maybe. I should have my passport, book my airfare. Early October Jimmy arrives. Arrange visa. Then it's off to Sydney. Then when I get back it'll be firing on all cylinders, getting ready to go. Get back Mid-October, sell car. Early November. Buy luggage. Sell computer, buy computer. LEAVE!

I suppose when I look at it like that I shouldn't really be complaining. I have a lot on my plate..

Another dream.

headphones://Nothing - Nobody

The most haunting dream last night. I wrote about it in my book journal, but I can record it better if I type it..

I was in a kitchen of some sort, a house I didn't know. My mother and sister were there. I was feeling an intense anger, more than I have ever felt in my life, more than I have ever dreamt. I could feel it in my body. All of a sudden Dad's voice calls out and I freeze, terror and immense disbelief overcome me. I look at my mother and sister and they've heard him too. I realize that this cannot be a figment of my imagination if they hear him also. My hands rush to cover my ears and the terror grips me, my head feels light.

"No, no, no..." I cry. He cannot be here, this is impossible. This is absolutely, fucking impossible. He calls out still.

What happens exactly, I don't know. My mother and I venture into a hallway to see where the voice is coming from and I realize it comes from my room. Even more fear.

More events unknown. I do remember speaking back to him. I tell him that we love him and that we hope he is okay. He is repeating himself. I detect anger in his presence. Does he reply? Afraid, I am talking to Mum so that I do not hear his response. I'm afraid to here that he is not well...

Even now, awake and conscious, the fear I felt is the same real fear I felt in my dream. Rationally I know I couldn't have come to harm. Ghosts cannot hurt you. He couldn't or wouldn't have hurt me, or whatever it really was. I'm not angry with him, wherever he is. But the uneasiness remains...

More drama than you can poke a stick at...

headphones://Outrageous (Josh Harris Mixshow Edit) - Britney Spears

Funny how my life can go from boring humdrum to Melrose Place all in the space of 24 hours. Take last night for instance. I went out with some friends who I hadn't seen in quite some time. We went to a club, had a few drinks, had a dance and generally had a merry old time. I met a guy on the dancefloor - as if that couldn't be any more cliche. We got talking a little while after and it appeared that we had a lot in common. He was very easy to talk to, cute, down to earth...and he lives INTERSTATE!

Life is so unfair.

The tail end of the night got kinda messy, in a dramatic way that didn't really involve me. Two of my friends, a couple, have an extremely volatile relationship. Mostly due to the fact that the guy, Daniel, is extremely volatile himself. When he's cruise-y, he's lots of fun to be around, but watch out when he gets into a mood. He's not a hardcore drug user but he's the poster child for a-little-too-much-recreational-use, you can bet your bottom dollar his current head state has a lot to do with this. Basically this dude is totally unstable and the relationship he's in is not healthy for him or the girl he's with. It's really sad to watch. They have massive arguments on a World War-scale, and then hug, kiss and make-up all within the space of two hours.

I've tried to intervene before, offering Sam advice. I told her the relationship was unhealthy and she took this to Daniel, and he wasn't impressed. I couldn't be pissed off with Sam because I don't think she did it, rather, does it, intentionally. She was using what I said as ammunition against Daniel and it got me caught in the middle. Not pleasant.

Last night was a revelation to me, I saw the true extent of Daniel's instability. He's possessive and manipulative. He'll go cold and then explode on Sam and it's just totally twisted. I talked to her tonight and she is still with him... Quite amazing considering the state she was in this morning.

I'll never get it, and I don't want to. Despite all of it, Daniel and Sam are fun people to be around, when it's all calm. But being caught as a bystander is really unnerving.

Another reason I can't wait to leave this place. I can distance myself from certain people, but even if I visit places, I'm reminded of happenings that took place and they bring with them unpleasant associations. Like ghosts of memories.

Happenings.

headphones://Superhero - Aneiki

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918

It's all happening. I checked out airfares the other day and the excitement of travelling has returned. I am in the process of applying for my British passport and there is a minor hiccup which I need to overcome. After that I'll have a Brit. passport in my hot little hands, my gateway to all of Europe.

I have been surfing some travel forums lately and I have to say I'm more than a little worried after reading numerous experiences of the negative kind with US Immigration officials. Being interrogated, verbally abused, intimidated, locked away and in some cases deported - not my idea of a great time. I know the world is a different place after 9/11 but that doesn't mean courtesy and decency has to disappear down the drain. I should be perfectly fine with an ongoing ticket to Canada, but you can never know. Maybe I'll fit some computer profile for some drug trafficker from Norway and wont even get to set foot on North American soil...it's a worry.

I haven't seen Donovan for a little while and I'm kind of...worried. I know I don't want anything serious with him but I have developed some kind of feelings for him over the past couple of weeks. If he's decided he doesn't want to pursue anything, it'll be for the best. It wont be fun leaving someone I've grown attached to...

Looking Ahead...

headphones://Breathe (Hi-Bias Radio Mix) - Michelle Branch

Tonight I saw Shrek 2 with Minako. It's a great movie, very funny - I even think the humor is geared more towards adults than kids. I was so engrossed and that's what I love about a good movie. Its ability to completely transport you to another world where you forget about real life...even just for a couple of hours.

Afterwards I dropped her at her car at Garden City. We spoke in depth about my move to Canada, as we had been discussing it earlier throughout the night. I told her of my two major fears. Ending up with no job, no money and no friends. I fear this kind of failure. My lax attitude towards money, the spending of it and my lack of motivation are key factors in this kind of outcome. Secondly, is this the right thing for me to do? Should I be staying in Australia, focussing on establishing a career and setting myself up?

She told me that my fears were completely understandable, she had felt them herself when she left home for the first time. Just hearing that made me feel a whole lot better. I have a habit of focussing on the negative and nothing else, dramatizing and exagerrating, and that's what I've been doing. I don't acknowledge the possibility that this move could turn out to be the best thing I've ever done. The fact is this experience is going to broaden my horizons beyond my imagination. I am going to change, no matter how big or small that change is. As much as I fear change, I know deep down I yearn for it and I need it in order to grow. Even if I come home 3 months later, 6 months later (and it's unlikely that I will), I will at least have given it a go. What harm is there in that?

So now I am excited again, just as I was six months ago when the idea of travel first appeared in my mind. It's an amazing excitement that makes me feel energized and capable of anything, and I have to hold onto it. I need to keep reminding myself of all the great things ahead. Just the simple idea of buying that plane ticket, packing my gear, stepping onto that plane. And then being in a totally new country. A new sky, new culture, new people, new buildings and new history. Just the idea of going to a convenience store and doing something as inane as buying candy makes me excited.

As much as I wish these next six months would fly past, I know I should slow down and take the opportunity to appreciate things as they are. This chapter in my life is coming to a close, and that knowledge is bittersweet. I wont be coming back here, to this person I know.

Moving In.

headphones://Southern Sun - Paul Oakenfold

My first BLOG post EVAR. I'm not going to write anything in-depth or interesting or long-winded...yet. Just moving the boxes in :D